The Blanket of Depression

I hate days that are consumed with depression. We are all vulnerable to depression. Depression is an insidious demon. No one is exempt from the far reaching arms of depression. The amazing thing is that depression is something we allow to consume us. With all the infinite power of our mind, of which it is estimated that we use only a tenth of, we so easily become the victim of our mind instead of the operator of our mind. It starts so simply, we feel blue, we feel sorry for ourselves or our circumstances, stressors of life start mounting, this goes wrong, that goes wrong, we feel as complete victims of circumstance, there seems to be no answer or no way out, no hope and before we know it we are trapped in our minds and headed out of control into a downward spiral. In the state of depression the future seems hopeless, no decision seems right, there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, at times we wish to just die to escape the torture, feelings of failure, and emotional pain. We wish someone or something would just make it all go away. It seems as nothing can bring back pleasure to our lives. Energy escapes us. It is all one can do to just exist through each day. The monotonous humdrum of life surrounds us. Depression is a horrible state of mind in which to exist. The root of all depression is self-pity. Self-pity is the seed from which depression grows. And behind self-pity is feeling powerless. The time to stop it is as soon as self-pity enters the situation.

 It takes a lot of inner strength, courage and persistence to overcome this demon. It can be done. The demon may strike again. But once you have defeated it you will have gained the skills to conquer it again. Coping skills are essential to keep this demon at bay. Choice. At each moment of our lives lies a choice. We choose the perception of each moment of our lives. Our minds are filled with perceptions. We have to decide how to define our perceptions. In depression perceptions are clouded. To defeat depression we must take back control of our minds. Unfortunately the mind doesn’t come with an operator’s manual. This we have to learn. A task most of us will never master. But nonetheless, we do owe it to ourselves to keep trying, keep learning, and keep growing.

 Compounding the power of depression are personality traits inherent to each individual. Many prone to depression tend to conduct their lives as though they are Superheroes. They take on problems of others, take responsibility for others, place unrealistic expectations on themselves, do not allow for failure or can not accept failure. It many times goes unnoticed how harshly we judge ourselves and how stringent the expectations we place on ourselves. We tend to be accepting of others weaknesses and failures, but not our own. We judge ourselves by an impossible scale that we would never expect others to measure up to. We place our expectations so high that we are doomed to failure instead of allowing ourselves to accept that we did the best that we could at the time and with what we had to work with and look at the perceived ‘failure’ as a learning and growing experience. Failure itself is a perception. Deep psychoanalysis surely would turn up some deep- rooted damage stemming from childhood. And would surely determine that self-esteem and security are lacking in the individual. Perhaps we just need to be taught how to recognize self-defeating behavior patterns in our lives and change them instead of trying to figure out what perceived damage we have endured in the past that is causing this behavior. The past is done. What matters is today and tomorrow. Without today there can not be a tomorrow.

One of the first things to recognize is that our minds and our subconscious minds are storehouses for our perceptions. Every event that we experience is defined by our perception. What we perceive to be real is what we record in our mind. Our perception determines our view of our life. In the state of depression we tend to view our situation magnified by the power of 100. Completely lost and caught up in our misery we fail to see that this time frame is but a fragment of the whole of our life. This overemphasis distorts our perceptions. We feel small and powerless over the situation. The depression grows out of proportion. We fail to realize that we do have power over the situation. This is the fatal flaw of freedom of the mind. With freedom of the mind we hold all of the power. We allow all of it good and bad, positive and negative. But we fail to realize this. We are individually responsible for it. This is our ultimate responsibility. Reactions and actions. If you get hurt feelings how do you react? Do you become angry? Do you lash out? Are you vengeful? Or do you let the feeling fester inside of you? Do you allow this to lower your self-esteem? Do you feel more hopeless? Do you feel emotional pain? Do you allow this pain to consume or sink you? Do you allow this feeling to become a reality? If a loved one or a clerk at the store is rude to you how do you react? Do you become angry? Do you adopt the same rude behavior in return? Do you accept their behavior? Do you take on this negative energy? Do you allow it to poison you? Thereby perpetuating the negative energy. Or do you offer a kind word? A smile? Do you stop to consider that the individual my be overwhelmed with their own misery?

Clarity and confrontation. The next time you encounter inappropriate lashing out or behavior from another send them white light and bless them in your mind. Do not allow their negativity to penetrate your aura. Do not assume that you deserved the offending behavior or that you are responsible for the behavior. Send them white light and let it go. Another’s opinion of us can not affect us unless we allow it to. We hold the power. No one has power over minds. We are in control. We allow feelings, emotions, and perceptions in. Choice. In everything there is a choice. By the simple law of physics there are polar opposites in most situations. We choose light or dark, positive or negative, right or wrong. We are given free will. (Note: Others’ behavior can affect us if it is causing us physical harm. In this situation it is appropriate to confront and stop the behavior in a rational way or simply remove yourself from the dangerous situation.)

We are governed by many forces: religion, others, society, morals, ethics, laws, parents, partners, and whatever we have been programmed to believe as right and wrong, acceptable or unacceptable. Do we need these controls in our lives? You bet we do. Without them there would be anarchy. These are built-in controls. Some good and some bad. They do help to keep some form of semblance in life. But it is wise to examine these governing controls in our lives by acknowledging and recognizing them. The number one rule; The Golden Rule: “do unto others as you would have others do unto you”... is the credo by which all living beings could peacefully coexist. It is rational and makes sense. But alas ego and pride conflict with this simple rule. In order to navigate through life the most peacefully one must have a strong sense of self. Without a strong sense of self one will learn either to control or to be controlled.

Self-defeating behavioral traits. The most prevalent is the “caretaker”. The “caretaker” takes on the role of responsibility. The “caretaker” accepts responsibility readily. The “caretaker” also accepts the responsibility of others. This is a self-defeating behavior. The “caretaker” must not allow themself to take on the responsibility of others. For example, many times a “caretaker” will remain in an unhealthy relationship because they can not bare to hurt another. The “caretaker” takes on the responsibility of the other person’s feelings believing that they are responsible for the other’s feelings. What the “caretaker” fails to realize is that they also are assuming that the other individual is not capable of tending to their own affairs and is not capable of being responsible for themself. The “caretaker” unknowingly assumes a role of superiority. In doing this they have placed an unreal expectation on themselves. They have taken on the responsibility for the other’s feelings failing to realize that they are not responsible for the perceptions of the other. This behavior is also defeating for the other. The other then becomes unequal. They have to be taken care of. They are now faced with the perception of the role of inferior victim which breeds resentment and anger. The “caretaker” also fails to realize that by accepting all of the responsibility of the relationship they are enabling the behavior to continue. The other needs to be accountable for their part of the relationship, their actions, and their emotions. “Caretakers” need to learn to say no, stop, and enough. They need to realize that they can not take on all of the responsibility without suffering consequences, emotional, physical, and spiritual. The “caretaker” behavioral trait spans all relationships: parent-child, co-workers, friends, and spouse/lover/partner. In assuming the “caretaker” role, one creates a detrimental situation. Self-responsibility and accountability are life skills we all must learn. The wisest thing a “caretaker” can do to take care of others is to hold others responsible and accountable for themselves. The wisest thing a “caretaker” can do to take care of themselves is to place limits on their care-taking.

Victims. Those who have not learned accountability and self-responsibility take on the percepted role of “victim”. These people are inherently unhappy because they feel a lack of control over part or all of their lives. They perceive themselves as total victims. Victims of society, their up-bringing, their parents, the ‘man’, their mates, their bosses, etc. Their fear of failure is so great that they will blame anything and everything they can. They have the greatest self-expectations of all. So great in fact, that the expectations are not achievable. They live in a world of fear and failure. They have not learned to accept themselves just as they are with all of their imperfections . Instead, they allow others to decide the scale to which they should measure. Traits: greatly influenced by others, afraid of failing, afraid or concerned by what others will think, underachievers. They may also be loud, self-depreciating, and exhibit controlling behaviors. All because they have not learned to define their own sense of self. Instead they look to outside sources as a means of measuring their “worth”. They have internalized a negative self-perception. They have to learn self-love and acceptance. The “victim” persona may tend to use anger as a means of control of others. Due to their perceived lack of control over themselves or their lives they may have a tendency to control others and situations through various means as a way of feeling in control.

 Relationships. So it seems there are two main personality traits that govern behavior, the victim and the caretaker. Many couplings, relationships involve one of each. We now have two miserable people. One the victim. One the caretaker. Sometimes referred to as the taker and the giver. Polar opposites. They fuel each other’s fire and depression. Deadlocked in an eternal cycle of ups and downs. Lacking a strong sense of self, they are both fighting for control. Each with their own familiar patterns of behavior. These relationships are detrimental, unhealthy and unfulfilling. Yet they exist everywhere. Unhappy relationships top the list when determining the cause of depression. Humans need interpersonal relationships in order to feel connected. Love and security are listed right up there with food and water as essential to survival. Examine your relationships to see if the caretaker/victim personae are in action.

Unhappy relationships are a whole course in themselves. In order to fix a broken relationship, both parties must be willing to admit and accept that they are each responsible for the problem. They each must accept and acknowledge their behaviors. They both must be willing to change. Because of the nature of love relationships there is extreme vulnerability of both parties as well as extremes of emotions. Mending a broken relationship is very tedious, requires extreme trust and intimacy. Because personality traits are so imbedded into a person’s behavior pattern rarely can one change. Ending a relationship is actually harder for many than remaining in a dysfunctional and detrimental one. There becomes a sense of familiarity with the partner or with the behavior pattern which in turn has become accepted as normal. Unable to break free from the relationship, on and on the cycle goes through generations. The caretaker unable to let go mired with guilt and the victim unable to let go mired with anger. Guilt and anger become the glue that holds together the relationship. The perfect breeding ground for self-pity and depression.

The way out of depression. Unraveling the tangled mess. One must acknowledge the role one plays in one’s own depression. Change your perceptions. Realize that you are playing the role of victim by giving up control of your mind. Remind yourself that where thoughts flow energy goes. There is such a thing as manifesting. The law of attraction says that we draw near to us that which we seek. Discern what you are subconsciously drawing in. Practice positive affirmations. Practice forgiveness of self and others. Do not harbor grudges. Banish all forms of negativity from your life. Holding on to anger, resentment, bitterness, or hurt gives energy to those emotions. Visualize what you would like to draw into your life. Meditate. Stop the endless nagging in your mind by practicing periods of silence. What do you wish to learn from the situation you are in? Do you really want change? Do you believe that you deserve to be happy or do you believe that you deserve to be depressed? Sometimes one has to dig really deep to uncover the forces motivating their behaviors. Sometimes it is just a matter of recognizing the behavior. Learn to accept what can not be changed. And change whatever needs to be changed. Realize that others are responsible for themselves. Start with changing the simplest things. Practice patience and persistence. Realize that the road will not be smooth. There will be challenges all along the way. The steps will have to be repeated innumerable times. The quest you are seeking is a strong sense of self, self-responsibility, and accountability only for yourself. Start right now. Decide how you choose to feel at this very moment! Hopeful? Positive? Relieved? It is up to you. You have the power! So the next time you feel the uncomfortable arms of depression reaching out for you remember that you have a choice. Choose wisely and banish any negativity. Surround yourself with white light. Practice self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. And remember tomorrow is another day. This too shall pass. Ask yourself if these feelings will matter a year or ten years from now? Ask yourself if you are giving power to these feelings? Stand way back from the situation and look at it with a different perspective. Pretend you are someone else viewing the situation. What advice would you give another in your situation? Realize that you hold the power. That you are larger than the problem. Don’t water the seed of self-pity. If you take a look around outside of your situation you can always find better circumstances. Think positive. Love yourself. Manifest that which you truly want and deserve. Examine your perceptions. Alter them as necessary. Choose lightness vs darkness. Begin with the dominant intent to look for positive things. Make a list of everything that you appreciate. Focus on all that you appreciate. As you begin to appreciate, by law of attraction, more things that you appreciate will come to you. And little by little you will feel your spirit lift. Little by little you will feel a sense of relief. Keep reaching for thoughts that feel good. Keep trying. Pick yourself up. Don't beat yourself up. Find the thought that feels better. Then find a thought that feels even better. Pretend if it helps. Trick your mind into being hopeful. From hopeful rise to accepting. From accepting rise to appreciating. From appreciating rise to joy. Be love. From your broader perspective you know that this is but a tiny span of time in the whole of your eternal being and all is well. You are just caught up in a moment of time quite possibly making a mountain out of a molehill. Change your focus. Don't dwell on negative feelings. Don't keep replaying it over and over again. Do an about face and focus on thoughts that feel better.